Over the past two weeks, I have been meeting with a Jewish Rabbi.
I am Christian.
And in the end, it all comes down to knowledge. Who has the answer? But even more difficult, what if both answers seem right?
The least I can say, is that I am counting the days to come home. I truly believe that coming home will be like one big Sabbath, after 6 months of being in a war. You know, before coming to Israel, I thought I would find happiness, history, and a love for Christ here. But even writing that name down feels weird to me now.
How strange, for it to feel weird to speak about Jesus exactly in the land where He lived. In the end of the day, like I tell my mom, I sometimes just have to forget everything I've learned in the day, jump around a little bit, and ultimately, laugh. Because if I don't do that, I won't be able to get past what is bothering me.
Being in Israel is like plowing a field. It is great when you are going strong, but unfortunately you are in a rocky field and have to get down from the tractor every ten meters to move giant boulders. It is like running on a track. Running, but feeling like you are always being brought back to the same spot... the same questions.
Which in the end, if knowledge is so good... why are there so many questions unanswered? Why is it that God seems to be playing with me every day here in the land of Israel? Why do I feel such a weight upon myself here in Israel.
And after thinking about it over and over and over. Day in and day out. Like a backpack full of rocks that I have carried around all over Jerusalem, I think I am starting to figure it out. Call me stupid, but I am beginning to see that the knowledge that is offered here in Jerusalem isn't the knowledge that God talks about when he tells us to see for knowledge. Otherwise, why would David, the "greatest" Jew have asked for it? Maybe he too found dead ends to questions. Maybe he too realized something that I am naively beginning to understand...
The knowledge God wants us to seek isn't material, but is of the heart. I would say it like this... a coloring book with lines can teach you how to color the picture that it displays, but unless you attain true knowledge, unless you are gifted with the ability to create, it is likely you will never get much further than your crayola crayon box.
There is a Jewish example of this. The Rabbi I talked to said that even Jews realize there ability to take things too far into the Law. That they sometime lose sight of the beauty of what is being said by holding to firmly to what is being said. The example goes like this.
A cook is sitting in the kitchen, and has all the cookbooks in the world. She has cookbooks for warm food, cold food, drinks, salads... everything. But, if the cook sits and studies, and sits and studies, and sits and studies all day long... they will die.
There is a knowledge of this world. There is a knowledge that is not of this world. It pains me to think I have to come to Israel and have so many people telling what to think when I have subconsciously known the truth all along.
This truth is this. God has written His Word on my heart. He has taught me as a child a desire for Him that abounds even in naivety. I serve the God of Abraham. I love the God of Abraham. I find joy in the God of Abraham. As do the Jews.
But I believe in Jesus Christ. And this is what separates me from thousands here.
The Jews have such a passion for their God. The same God that I have a passion for.
I don't have the answers to their questions, as they do not have the answers to mine.
For that reason, I will lean on the Lord. Because I know that in the end of the day, when I am laughing trying to let go of the crazy ideas put into my head. I remember that my God, and their God is the same God. He is One.
The only thing to do in the end, is to seek the answers from Him. Because He will guide my paths straight. He will give me understanding. He will protect His people. He alone... Yahweh.
And that gives me strength, even amidst this struggle, to take one step more... and then another... and another. Every day, He is my shepherd, He will lead me beside the still waters, and He will restore my soul.
Ve Baruch Hashem bishvil ze. (And thank the Name (God) for that).